You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? lets_be_honest It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. Michelle Plan a trip to visit your family. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. . Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? Gah what is that. CottonTheCuteDog Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. GatorGirl ), you also like using your weekends to relax and enjoy the city in a way you dont get a chance to do during the busy week. Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. Please see my post below.. I just dont understand this concept. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. Will.i.am If you feel like youre not the priority, then you almost certainly arent. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. ele4phant Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. I agree with you both. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. muchachaenlaventana Friends of her own? The LW may be overreacting. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. lets_be_honest While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. LolaBeans barf. Or I used to. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. CottonTheCuteDog Really? You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Yeah, but every weekend? Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. Summer and fall is half the year. It sounds codependent to me. Thatll probably shut them up. As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. GatorGirl January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. Laura Hope I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? I guess then that depends on the LWs definition of a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? ForeverYoung June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. muchachaenlaventana Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. He will come home maybe 1 or 2 days out of the week to spend the evening with me and then legitimately go over to his parents to sleep over and stay there most of his time. . Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. I am afraid for humanity. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. If you only have two free days per week, its rather selfish to take up one of those days every week with a visit to his parents, eliminating a lot of other possibilities. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. Those conversations should have happened before. I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. lets_be_honest She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. Then offer a compromise. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. I was thinking the same thing. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). So its not like every.single.weekend. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. I am curious of yalls ages though. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). This is how children are taught. Im in the same situation as well. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. ForeverYoung Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy I agree with the expenses. lets_be_honest Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. TaraMonster Its a balance. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. Each Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. Sorry, but its not men its your man and OPs man. FireStar Maybe something is up with his family? If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! 2. Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. January 20, 2012, 8:02 am. January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. 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